"Christmas with Louise"

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Father Christmas to fill them.

What they say about Father Christmas checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Denny's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on Sun
glasses and went in search  of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell
those things at ASDA.  I had  to go to an adult bookstore.  If you've
never been in an X-rated  store, don't go.  You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying  things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!"  "Who would buy that?"  Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.  I wanted to buy a  standard, uncomplicated doll
that could also substitute as a passenger in my people carrier
so I could use the bus lane during rush hour.

Finding what  I wanted was difficult.  Love dolls come in many
different models.  The top of  the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in  a book on animal husbandry.  I settled
for "Lovable Louise."  She was at the  bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.  On
Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to  life. 
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee  morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some biscuits and  drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Father Christmas had been to
his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused.  She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.  We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose
so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.  My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll."  "Who would play with something like that?", Granny snapped.  I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
Granny glared at me and continued, "Mike, where are her
clothes?"

"That turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Denny
said, trying to  steer her into the dining room.  But Granny was
relentless.  "Why  doesn't she have any teeth?"  Again, I could have
answered, but why would I?

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a  delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up
to me and said, "Mike, who's the naked bird by the fireplace?"  I told him
she was Denny's friend.  A few  minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise.  Not just  talking, but actually flirting.  It was then
that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the loo in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around  the room twice, and fell
in a heap in front of the settee.  The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell  to his knees, and
began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.  My brother, Denny, fell back
over his chair and wet his trousers and Granny threw down her serviette, stomped
out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination
to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.  Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.  Louise
went on to star in several  bachelor party films.  I think Granddad still
calls her whenever he can get  out of the house.

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